


These days

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-08
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-29 05:47:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>”I should have seen you for what you are.” Fenris said, his tone civil but sharp. ”You're a mage. I saw you cast spells in there.”</p><p>Hawke nodded tired,”Why don't you go yell it all over town, I'm sure there are someone in Kirkwall that didn't hear you.”</p><p>To Hawke's surprise Carver stepped up beside him, ”If you have a problem with my brother, you have a problem with me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story got more pairrings, but not anything major, and well it's hard to explain, because they aren't of a sexual nature and that is why i didn't list them, but still they are parrings in some roundabout way. By power of suggestion if nothing else. (Wow that didn't even make sense to me!) - Anywho, thought i'd try forces with this fandom, just for the hell of it. ([HERE](http://www.flickr.com/photos/darlingazzy/6582122677/)'s a corny photo of my version of Hawke)

**\--- > Part 01**

 

”I should have seen you for what you are.” Fenris said, his tone civil but sharp. ”You're a mage. I saw you cast spells in there.”

Hawke nodded tired,”Why don't you go yell it all over town, I'm sure there are someone in Kirkwall that didn't hear you.”

To Hawke's surprise Carver stepped up beside him, ”If you have a problem with my brother, you have a problem with me.”

Fenris looked at the small group of people and then sighed, ”If i appear ungrateful, I am sorry, nothing is further from the truth.” He pushed off the wall of Danarius' mansion, ”It's just that..”

”You don't trust mages?” Varric said eying the elf, not sure what to make of him. Not sure he liked him, but sure as hell that he didn't like being tricked.

”I just have bad experience with mages.” Fenris offered lamely.

”Hawke here,” Varric said, his smile soft, but his eyes were hard as stone. ”Is not your average.”

”I noticed.” Fenris said smiling softly, ”I can't ever repay you for what you did.” He looked directly at Hawke, ”But if you ever need my help, I will be right here waiting for Danarius if he should return.”

”Actually..” Carver said, and then looked at Hawke, who just smiled at his brother, ”What my brother is trying to say.” Hawke continued, ”Is that we are going on a treasure hunt in the deep roads, and we could use someone with your talents.”

”Alright.” Fenris said softly, turning to return to the mansion.

~*~

Sitting in Gamlen's house, Hawke was sitting in a flimsy chair staring at the fire, sipping some vile stuff that ought to be wine. He liked it like this, when everything was silent. His mind kept wandering back to that evening, that elf, he didn't know what to think about it. He seemed sencere enough, but there was just something he couldn't put his finger on. Admitted he had suggested that the elf repaid his dept in form of joining the expedition to the deep roads, mostly for Carvers sake. He had heard him mutter under his breath, whining and complaining that everything they did had to do with magic, and maybe that -was- right to some extend, and so he figured that with Aveline indisposed because of her duties as a guard, it would be good with another swordsman, someone that Carver could relate to. He just hoped that it wouldn't become a problem.

Hawke got up from his chair, tip toeing over to open the door where he, Carver and mother slept, he could see Leandra's sleeping form in the bed, and slowly closed the door again. Finally she slept, she had been out of herself since Bethany died, all that anger inside her welling up, blaming both him and Carver for their sisters untimely end. And as much as Hawke understood her pain, he didn't want to be in the receiving end of her outbursts and so had avoided her as much as he could. Feeling slightly guilty that he had sometimes just left it to Carver to soothe mother. Leandra was scared, he could see it in her eyes, afraid that she would lose a child more, and he couldn't really blame her that, neither his or Carvers occupation was the safest there was. So most of the time she would cry when they tried to leave for a job, and Carver would stay back with her at the house, but not without shooting his brother a blaming glare.

Tonight though Carver was at the Hanged man, he had not gone home at all, they had finally gotten enough money to pay Bartrand for the deep road expedition, and so he had gone with the others to celebrate. Hawke had not. He had figured it was his turn to sit with mother, and she had done nothing but ask for Carver, demanding to know if he was alright, and Hawke had not been able to do anything but to try and calm her, telling her over and over that Carver was just out getting a drink with friends, which only seemed to alarm Leandra more, because the streets were not safe at night, so Hawke had pointed out that Carvers friends had weapons too. He vaguely had wondered if she would make the same scene with it was him that didn't come home?

But now she slept, and he slipped out the door to go for the Hanged man and the others.

~*~

As he arrived at the hanged man, he spotted Varric and Carver straight ahead, deep in discussion over their drinks. Hawke slipped down in a chair at their table. ”You're wrong.” Carver said, frowning, ”He wouldn't do that.” And to that Varric just smiled knowingly, ”You're wrong little Hawke.”

”Don't call me... Pfft! Never mind!” Carver argued.

”What are we arguing over?” Hawke asked with a perfect mask of innocence to his face.

”You.” Carver groaned, ”I say you wouldn't bring that crazy mage fella to the deep roads, and Varric insists that you will.” He looked at his brother for an answer.

”Anders?”

”Yes that would be him.. the crazy mage.” Carver huffed down into his beer.

Hawke blinked confused for a second, looking from Carver to Varric, and back to Carver again, ”Of course I will bring him.” He shrugged, ”He is a Grey Warden, - in some roundabout way anyway, but he knows the deep roads.” Hawke studied his brothers displeased expression. ”And we could do with someone who does, I mean, it's not like any of us ever ventured down there.”

”See?” Varric gloated, ”You owe me a sovereign. Little Hawke.”

”Don't!” Carver growled, but just gave up with a sigh and resigned himself to a deep drink of his ale.

Hawke wanted to ask why they even -had- this discussion, but opted against it, he knew his brothers irrational anger towards mages, and he just knew that he'd argue that Anders was not trustworthy, that he would poison their water with a spell and leave them all for dead, carrying all the treasure out of the deep roads by himself. Hawke would tell him he was being ridiculous, and they would not speak to each other for a day or two. So Hawke just shook his head amused, ”Now what does a charming fella like me have to do to get a beer around here?” He asked with a smile at Varric.

”Going to the bar would be an excellent start.” Varric laughed.

”So.” Carver said, ”It's our expedition, right?”

”It is,” Hawke said with a tender smile, at his brother. ”Well, it's Bartrand and Varric's, but apart from that.”

”So if you bring that mage, I want to bring Fenris.” Carver stated, staring at his brother as to signal it was not up for discussion.

”Okay.” Hawke said, ”Suppose that is only fair.”

Carver looked surprised that Hawke had agreed this easy, and as Hawke got up to get a beer, Carver's glare followed him in the crowd.

And later as they walked home, Carver broke the silence, ”I don't get it.” He admitted, ”I thought you would.. You know, not want Fenris to come.”

”I don't mind.” Hawke shrugged. ”You two seem to get along just fine.” He said wrapping an arm around his younger brother, and the flinch from Carver was not missed on him. ”And you are right, it shouldn't all be about magic.”

Carver relaxed a little more. ”It's been years since you and I agreed on anything.” He just said softly.

”I know.” Hawke admitted, ”I'm sorry.” He tightened his grip on Carvers shoulder. ”I was busy trying to fill fathers shoes, not wanting to admit that i am just not the man he was, and in that process i failed you all.”

”You're drunk Garrett.” Carver chuckled.

”Completely piss-faced.” Hawke laughed, ”I mean it though.”

”You didn't fail,” Carver said softly, ”Don't believe that shit mother throws at you. She is just angry with the Maker, with life. And we are her convenient whipping-boys.”

”True.” Hawke admitted. ”I just feel like I could have done more.”

Carver stopped and turned his head to look at Hawke, ”You got us to Kirkwall.”

”But without Bethany.” Hawke said with a tiny voice, allowing himself self pity for a moment.

”But -with- mother, Aveline and me.” Carver smiled a little dimpled smile at his brother.

Hawke yanked Carver along, as they started to walk home again, ”Do you think you can even make it up into the top bunk without mother waking?” Hawke asked with a laugh.

”We'll have to put that to the test, won't we?” Carver laughed.

”Carver, can I ask something?” Hawke asked trying to focus on where they were going.

”Sure.”

”Why Fenris? I mean, I get that you're friends and all. I had just thought you'd chose someone with bigger tits to come along.” He laughter roared in the empty street as he heard Carver suck in his breath.

”I'm not some blighted ass-pirate.” Carver sulked, ”And Isabela's tits ain't that big,” He pursed his lips in thought for a moment, ”Though they -are- bigger than Merrill's.”

”Some things never change.” Hawke chuckled.

 

 _TBC_


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN; Sorry for the delay.. Commander Shepard needed me on deck. ;)

\---> Part 2

Hawke wasn't sure he was ready to admit why it annoyed him so, that Carver and Fenris seemed to get along so well. At first he had told himself that of course the elf's hate towards mages, would draw him to like-minded, being Carver. But when Fenris had started to show up at uncle Gamlen's door step with a sweet smile, asking for Carver, Hawke just watching from his seat at the desk, sorting through papers he couldn't really make sense of. He saw Fenris' brilliant smile light up as Carver entered the room. Fenris didn't even acknowledge Hawke's precense, even if he was perfectly polite towards Leandra and Gamlen. Not untill Carver placed a broad familiar hand on Hawke's aching shoulders, and squeezed gently, causing Hawke to groan. ”See you later brother.” He said. And Hawke turned in his chair and smiled at the two warriors, ”Don't get too drunk, we have a mission tomorrow,” He said, Carver had laughed, and Fenris had just acknowledged him with a nod, ”Hawke.” And then left. He lifted a finger to correct the elf that he actually had a first name, but by then the duo had already left. And Hawke returned to his papers with a deep sigh.

Leandra put down her needlepoint and looked up at Hawke, she could tell he was miserable, but wasn't sure why. ”It's good to see Carver got some friends.” She tried.

”Yeah.” Hawke just mumbled back. 

It was not untill he was in his bed, tossing and turning, listening to Carver snore, and Leandra mumble in her sleep in the small room. That he dared address the thought. The elf was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, that was what was wrong. ”Shit.” Hawke whispered to the room. He was jealous, that was what was wrong, he wished he was the one that made Fenris smile like that. Instead he got nothing but a nod and a measured, cold glare. And why? Because of this blighted curse he was born with. He would just have to though it out, to forget about this whole thing, and let warriors be warriors, and mages be mages. 

Hawke felt his cheeks heat up, wondering if Carver and Fenris were going at it like rabbits. 'Don't be an idiot' his subconscious told him, 'Carver is not into men, you know that'. And he did. But that didn't change the dark surge he felt in his chest, it made him feel petty, ridiculous and lonely. 

~*~

Nothing in the world could have prepared Hawke for Carver suddenly falling down, sick with the taint. He tried to stay level-headed and focused as Anders checked Carver over. In his head he kept hearing Leandra's voice, begging him to not bring Carver on the expedition. What was he going to say to her? He knew that it was not really his fault, and yet it was. He had brought Carver, and even if his brother had insisted on coming, he could have refused him, couldn't he? It took him a moment to realise that Anders had stopped examining Carver and was not talking to him. Something about the map and the Grey Wardens. Hawke looked up at him, careful hope in his voice, ”Is that a cure?” 

”To become a Grey Warden?” Anders said thoughtful, ”I suppose so, if they will take him, and if we can find them.” 

”So they are here?” Hawke asked hoisting Carver to his feet, ”We'll have to try.” 

”I don't want to be a Grey Warden.” Carver protested weakly. 

”Would you rather die here in the Deep Roads?” Fenris asked slightly curious from behind them. 

”I..” Carver sighed.

”Please.” Hawke said, fighting to get a good grip on Carver. Looking at Anders, who just nodded with a sad smile. 

~*~

Hawke sat by the small fire, in the makeshift camp at they had made at the entrance to the Deep Roads, staring into the flames. He felt lost and miserable, the conversation with Strout kept running over and over in his mind like a defect recording. 'if he survives, it's not a cure, it's a calling'. And what had he done? He had argued for the Grey Wardens to take Carver in his normal bull-headed way. What if Carver wasn't going to be alright? He had said that Carver was strong, that he was a brilliant warrior, but was that enough? He had heard terrible rumours about the Joining, what if Carver was too weak? It didn't matter, he would still have to tell mother that he had lost his brother in the Deep Roads. 

”Hawke.” 

Hawke shook himself from his misery, and turned his head to look directly at Fenris who sat at his side. A most unlikely comforter indeed. ”Fenris.” He just said with a little sad smile. 

”Here.” He handed Hawke a bowl of what he reckoned was soup. ”You should eat something.” 

Hawke nodded, and took the bowl. ”What am I going to tell mother?” He asked with a slight whine. ”Shit! Carver only came because I didn't stop him.” 

Fenris rose a perfect brow, ”He came because he wanted to.” 

”True.” Hawke sighed, ”But it wasn't supposed to end like this!” 

”We all knew the risks, Carver was no exception.” Fenris said, raising to his feet. 

Hawke nodded weakly, ”Still, that will be no comfort to mother,” He sighed heavily, ”She blamed me for Bethany, and now she will blame me for Carver too. Most of all she will blame me for me being all she has left.” He put the bowl down on the ground between his feet, ”Sorry Fenris, I shouldn't..” He sighed again and picked up the spoon, ”You don't have to babysit me, i won't go hurl myself off into the deep or something.” 

Fenris actually smiled, but Hawke didn't see it. 

”Do you wish for me to come with you when you tell your mother about Carver?” Fenris asked. 

Hawke put down the spoon and looked up at Fenris, trying to read his eyes for any deception. ”No.” He almost whispered, ”It's something I have to do myself.” 

”I understand.” Fenris said, but instead of turning and leaving the fireplace, he sat down opposite Hawke, staring into the flames. 

Hawke was torn between wishing he would scoot closer, and feeling like a traitor for thinking something like this when he didn't even know if his brother would survive, and had it not been for Carver, this elf would not even be sitting here. ”Would you..” He looked directly at Fenris through the fire. ”Would you wait outside perhaps? Just in case?” 

”Of course.” Fenris said, nodding.

”Garrett.” Hawke heard Anders say softly as he sat down next to him. He liked Anders just fine, it was not that, he was a good friend, a magnificent brother in arms, and kinda funny when drunk, but he was about the last person he wanted to come sit next to him right now. ”How are you holding up?” Anders asked.

”I'm fine, thanks for asking.” Hawke mumbled, helplessly watching as Fenris just got up and left, like had he never been there, like a ghost.

”Come now, I'm sure Carver will be fine, you'll see.” Anders said with a tiny smile, wrapping an arm around Hawke's shoulders. 

”If anyone can survive that, it's Carver that stubborn blighter.” Hawke said softly, but couldn't help but to smile. Anders pulled him close and without thinking, Hawke rested his head on Anders' shoulder. ”I just wish things were different.” Hawke admitted in a little fragile whisper.

”Don't we all?” Anders said, shaking his head, ”Sorry, that was insensitive of me, I didn't mean it like that. I wish there had been another way too, but it is the only one I could think of, and he would not have survived the trip to the surface. You did the right thing, Hawke.” 

”I hope so.” Hawke admitted, closing his eyes, feeling comfort in Anders' body heat and soft voice. ”With Carver gone, Fenris will leave too, won't he”? He asked, talking to the fire, and the space that held Fenris just moments ago, more than to Anders. But it was Anders who answered.

”Who cares?” 

”I care.” Hawke admitted, ”We need someone like him, he is a great resource, hate him all you want, but he gets the job done.” 

”True.” Anders said with a slight nod, ”And I don't hate him, I just serve him his own prejudice back at him.” 

Hawke smiled, ”It doesn't matter anymore, if he goes, he goes.” For a moment he wondered of Anders could feel the lie.

”Do you want me to come with you, when you tell Leandra?” Anders asked.

”No, it's fine.” Hawke said closing his eyes for a moment, feeling warm, full, exhausted and sleepy, ”Fenris said he would come.” 

”Oh.” Anders sucked in his breath. ”Do you really think that is smart?” 

”He was Carver's best friend.” Hawke said sitting up straight, shooting Anders an accusing glare, ”What could be more appropriate?” 

”You're right.” Anders nodded, squirming slightly, ”I just thought you wanted someone there for -you-.” 

”Don't assume to know what i need.” Hawke spat. He could tell from the expression on Anders that he had hurt the other mage, but right now he didn't care.

Anders shook his head, ”Excuse me, I have something to tend to, over there.” He nodded towards the far end of camp, and got up. 

”Anders!” Hawke turned in his seat, but the Mage was already gone. ”Shit.” Hawke, kicked the bowl so the last soup poured out. 

~*~

Walking down the streets and alleys of Lowtown with Fenris, only Fenris, was a really strange feeling, and to Hawke's dismay he wasn't sure if the butterflies in his stomach was because he was afraid of Leandra's reaction, or if it was because he was alone with Fenris, or if it was because he was sure this was the last time he would see the elf. 

As they had arrived topside, Anders had pulled Fenris aside and had given him a good talking to. Hawke had not been able to hear what they had said, and it was killing him. ”Uhm. Fenris? What did Anders say?” He smiled timidly as the cold green eyes focused on him instead of the buildings around them.

”That's none of your business.” Fenis just said. 

”I know.” Hawke said shrugging, ”I'm just curious.” 

Fenris shifted a little, anyone but Hawke would have missed it, but he noticed the little tick, knowing that whatever Anders had said made the elf uncomfortable to talk about. ”He told me to be a friend.” Fenris said. 

”Oh.” Hawke said, knowing Fenris too well to pressure for more. So he just resigned himself to watching the street they walked through.

”I think he is quite infatuated with you, Hawke.” Fenris said with a little sly smile. And to Hawke's surprise the smile reached the green eyes. Making his heart skip a beat. 

”I don't know.” Hawke said, ”He got mighty pissy when i told him that you'd already said you'd come with me today.” He fiddled the hem of his sleeve, knowing what came next.

”Why didn't you bring him then?” Fenris asked surprised, ”You and I are not friends Hawke, the Mage is right, you would need a friend to be there for you.” 

”Because..” Hawke weighed the word, stopping in front of the stairs to Gamlen's house. He turned to Fenris who was leaning up against the wall, watching him, waiting for an answer. ”Because this is about Carver, not me.” It was a huge fat lie, and he knew it, but he wasn't sure how well 'because i want you to be here for me' would go over with Fenris. 

”That sounds reasonable.” Fenris agreed, ”Now, I will wait right here. If you need me, just call for me.” He smiled a little.

”Okay.” Hawke said, walking up the stairs to Gamlen's door, knowing what awaited him on the other side. He turned around on the top of the stairs and looked down at Fenris who waited at the bottom. He wanted to ask him if he was leaving, and if so, persuade him to stay. But it just seemed inappropriate, and the wrong time. Hawke wondered vaguely if the time would ever be right to ask something like that.

-Tbc


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Shit I'm sorry for the crazy hold up, I lost myself in ME till I completely forgot about this story. I will not happen again. This was made for CE & EJ My fav Fenris fangirls. ;)

\---> Part 3

Hawke had been right in his depressing premonition. As soon as Fenris had made good on his promise, to help Hawke as he told Leandra about Carvers demise. He was gone. Hawke knew that he was around Kirkwall, possibly hiding out in that big mansion of Danarius'. But he didn't go there, he had no reason to. It was not until he had been asked to check up on some rogue mages that he found himself without friends. Isabela was gone, maker knew where she had went, or when she would return. Anders was nose deep in work in the clinic, and Varric was having his own troubles. Merril didn't want to go because of religious persuasion, which Hawke thought was ridiculous, but he had to respect it none the less. 

"Are you sure we can't get Varric to come?" Sebastian asked, shielding his eyes from the sun as they walked down the massive steps from the Chantry. 

"He gave me some song and dance about tax collectors." Hawke said with a sigh.

"Maker! You think he is trouble?" Sebastian asked honestly.

Hawke just shot Sebastian a dirty look, which made Sebastian nod embarrassed. "So, we're down to the two of us." 

"It will be fine, you'll see." Sebastian said, "We are both more than adept to deal with whatever those blood mages throw at us." 

Hawke resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "Unless..." He tapped his lip thoughtful, "Unless we call upon more unconventional friends." He grabbed Sebastian and almost hauled him down the steps, sporting a shit eating grin. "I got just the friend we need." 

~*~

Knocking on the door to Danarius' mansion, no answer inside. Hawke began to second guess his marvelous plan. "Fenris?" He called, knocking again. 

Fenris looked out the window on the first floor, on top of the front door. "If it isn't Hawke." He said with an emotionless tone, just staring down at Hawke and Sebastian as they stood around like idiots on the street below him. "What brings you here?" 

"You do." Hawke said, "I need your help." 

"Everyone needs something." 

"You said I could call upon you at any time." Hawke said, reminding Fenris of his own words. "I have a problem with some blood mages that I have to take care of. delicately if I can." He blinked against the sun. "Would you please come down here, this makes my neck hurt." 

Fenris muttered something to himself in Tevinter, but slipped out the window, and gracefully landed on his feet in front of the baffled duo. "Blood mages?" 

"Yes, apparently they fled to this cave, and I was asked to investigate." Hawke said, knowing Fenris' mindset so he added, "If they attack, you kill them." 

"But we wait for their move?" He asked a little suspiciously.

"Yes." Hawke admitted. "Look Fenris, for now i was just told they were blood mages, I don't know if it's true. I hate to sound like Anders, but not all mages are blood mages, and maybe these are just regular people who is trying to escape the Gallows." He crossed his arms over his chest, staring the elf down. Maker he was just as easy on the eyes as ever. Thrice cursed elf.

"Regular people?" Fenris huffed, "There isn't such a thing as regular mages." mirroring Hawke's stance.

"What Hawke is trying to say is, we don't know if they are evil people. We would have to see them to be the judge of that." Sebastian said, "They have two options, either return to the Gallows, or die. It is that simple, but if they are decent people, good willed mages. They will see the logic in our words, and the makers will." 

Hawke took a deep breath. He knew he should let this shit roll off his back, but he was a mage too, and the way these two carried on, you'd think they were looking for a reason to sell him out to the templars, locking him up in the Gallows. "Yeah that was what I would have said, without all the mumbo jumbo about the Maker." Hawke said staring at Fenris. 

"You got yourself a deal." Fenris said easing his stance. "So when do we leave?" 

"You don't want to negotiate your pay or nothing?" Hawke asked honestly surprised. 

But Fenris just shrugged, "I don't really need anything. And the possibility to rid the world of some of those blood mage vermin, I will do that for free." 

"That is settled then." Hawke said squirming slightly under Fenris' glowing glare. "Let's go." 

~*~

He should have noticed it on the way to the caves, but he was too busy entertaining his own feeble fantasies of Fenris with as little clothes on as possible. But suddenly Sebastian and Fenris were talking, joking, laughing.. being friends. Hawke was baffled to tell the truth. How in the world could those two end up being friends? True they had the whole 'hate for blood mages' going, but that was about that, wasn't it? 

The trip back from the caves was directly painful as Sebastian and Fenris went on about how many blood mages they had killed. In the end Hawke just had had it! He had listened to them spewing hate for days now. "Enough!" He bellowed, efficiently shutting both elf and man up. "They were just people! Unfortunate people who grasped straws to stay free! Shit! You guys have me going on like Anders!" He sighed and rubbed his face with his callused hands. "I'm a mage too, just as those mages were once. Are you saying you don't trust me either?" He stared at Sebastian and Fenis who sat cheeks aflame, looking anywhere than on Hawke. "Thanks for the trust! I think I will find another route home." He turned, grabbed his bag and stomped off into the night. He knew he was over reacting. He knew that they wouldn't betray him, he knew that Sebastian trusted him, mostly because the Matron mother did. But he couldn't help but to be provoked on his race's behalf. 

"Hawke!" He heard some call for him. He knew that deep barrier tone, he would recognize it anywhere. Fenris. "Hawke, come back!" 

He stopped, how could he not? How could he ignore Fenris calling for him? "Why would I?" He yelled back alerting Fenris to his presence in the dark.

"Because." Fenris paused as he came closer, "It's dangerous alone." 

Hawke laughed haughtily, "Don't you think I can handle myself?" 

"I know you can." Fenris admitted, looking down at his feet in the dark, "Forgive us, we were out of line, we shouldn't have said all those things. You are right, not all mages are evil. It's just hard for me to comprehend, you understand that, don't you?"

"I do." Hawked said passionately. "But it's like, you are born an elf, you can't help that. I was born an apostate, I can't help that either." He had to resist the urge to touch Fenris, and just resigned himself to sticking his hands in his pockets in lack of anywhere else they could go. 

"Hawke?" Fenris asked, "Don't demons visit all apostates?" 

"Suppose so." Hawke said with a little quirky smile, "Doesn't mean you have to listen to them." 

Fenris nodded listening, "Still, I say that people in direct connection with the fade, are dangerous." He licked his lips, searching for his words. "Untrustworthy." 

"Oh." Hawke just breathed. 

"You have always been true to your word. Unlike.." 

Hawke frowned, "Don't you dare comparing me to that stain on life, Danarius." 

"I'm not.." Fenris said, but it was a lie, he couldn't help it. Like two stains of the same disease. "Come lets get back to Sebastian before he starts to worry for real." Fenris gestured towards the small light that was their fire. 

"Okay." Hawke sighed, "But no more mage bashing." 

"Promise." Fenris said with a small chuckle. "Today at least."

The mood had turned from nasty to just plain awkward as Fenris and Sebastian held true to their promise to not rag on mages, so instead they discussed different interpretations of the Maker, which was just dead boring to listen to, and Hawke had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. 

~*~

It was night at the High town market when the threesome split up. Sebastian had swiftly made his way towards the Chantry, and Fenris made his way up the stairs to Danarius' mansion. "Hey Fenris!" Hawke called, walking after the elf half up the stairs. He felt ridiculously relieved as Fenris turned around and looked down at him. For a moment Hawke was worried that he was as transparent as he felt, but Fenris' slightly puzzled expression told him that he weren't. "I was just thinking, can I perhaps call on you some other time?" 

"Of course." Fenris said with a slight smile, "I enjoyed the company." 

"Yeah well, can't promise that Sebastian is there every time." Hawke said, instantly realizing his own mistake. "I mean, It's not like we have to be joined at the hip, I mean, you don't have you come every time.. shit.. I.." 

Fenris stalked down a few steps towards Hawke. "You are a curious one." He said, mostly to himself but loud enough for Hawke to hear. He stared directly at Hawke and added, "You can call on me anytime, day or night, should you need my services." 

Hawke sucked in his breath before he managed to stop himself from making a complete fool out of himself, like a hormone ridden teenage boy. He wasn't really sure that Fenris realised how suggestive his offer sounded. "Delightful." He said, his voice even slightly rose an octave. Great! Way to make a complete idiot out of yourself. He doesn't like you, he liked Carver. And he didn't even like Carver like 'that', you have no idea if he likes men, or... Maker! Those eyes. 

Fenris most of all just looked amused by it all. "If you have to rid the world of a blood mage or two, I'm at your service." 

"Good to know, but it's not like I go around killing blood mages all the time. And.. Would you perhaps mind a less dramatic event?" Hawke suggested, flashing Fenris his most boyish charming smile. 

This caused Fenris to laugh, not just chuckle, but laugh. 

Hawke wasn't sure it was a good thing that Fenris laughed, but decided to just let it happen. 

"Such as?" Fenris asked amused.

"Oh I don't know." Hawke said, deciding that being a smartass often worked so he opted for that again. "What about dinner?" He bit his lip nervously as Fenris went dead silent. "I'm sorry?" Hawke offered, maybe he had overstepped some invisible line, he didn't know was there. Maybe he shouldn't just have asked, but he was afraid that Fenris would just walk out of his life again, and he had to know that he at least had tried, and maybe failed, but it was better than never have tried.

"Dinner?" 

"Yeah." Hawke felt terribly shy suddenly. 

"Would it involve excessive violence?" Fenris asked with a perfect pokerface. 

"I'm pretty sure dinner is dead when it's served. So no." Hawke said offering a little smile, realizing that Fenris had made a joke.

"Good." Fenris said, "I will leave the weapons at home." 

"Was that a yes?" Hawke asked, a little confused. surprised how easy Fenris had been persuaded to have dinner with him. After all it had been less than 12 hours since he compared him to Danarius. 

"Yes." 

"Uhm.. Great!" Hawke said a little too quickly. "How about tomorrow?" 

Fenris looked thoughtful and then nodded, "Tomorrow will be fine." 

"Err.. Great!" Hawke repeated, kicking himself mentally for sounding like an idiot. He turned around and started descending the stairs so Fenris wouldn't see his burning cheeks. 

"Hawke?" Fenris called. 

"Yeah?" Hawke turned around again further down the stairs, hoping the darkness would cover his blush. 

"Where?" 

"Oh... Uhm, What about I pick you up?" Hawke said with a nod to acknowledge his own cleverness.

"Agreed." Fenris just stated. 

If he said -great- one more time, Hawke would throw himself off a cliff, but still he heard himself say "Great!" But it didn't keep his steps from being light and happy all the way to his mothers house.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this story is slow.. sorry!! I get sidetracked by shiny stuff all the time.

Leandra had known something was up when Hawke had taken a bath by his own free will. Normally she would have to literally usher the boy off to wash, when he was too ripe to sit next to. She had long since admitted to herself that her son was a farm boy, not a noble. 

"Who is she?" Leandra asked casually, as she entered the bathroom under the false pretense of checking if Hawke had brought something to dry himself off with.

"Mother!" Hawke whined, covering himself up in the bath.

"Please Garrett, I changed your diapers when you were a baby. I saw your tush before son." Leandra chuckled.

"Well I'm not a baby anymore." Hawke argued. 

Leandra arched an eyebrow and shook her head amused. "So who is she?" 

"Who?" Hawke asked feigning innocence.

"The girl you have a date with." Leandra said, seating herself on a stool, amused at her son's flustered expression. "Garrett you aren't fooling anyone, I normally have to fend you off with sticks and threaten you to take a bath, even when you have Maker knows what sticking to your hair."

"Mother, please." Hawke whined again.

"Fine." Leandra sighed and stood, "If you don't want to tell me about it, you don't have to." She turned to leave. 

Hawke splashed some water out over the edge of the tub, "I have a dinner date." He spurted out, hating himself for falling for the ancient mother-trick of faking lack of interest.

"Does she have a name?" She asked looking over her shoulder at her son in the tub.

Hawke knew he could have picked a better venue for this, but he couldn't exactly lie to his mother, not when they were all they had now. "It's.. it's not a girl." 

Now Leandra couldn't fake disinterest anymore, she turned around and stared at her son. "Not a girl?" she repeated like a fool.

"No." Hawke said with a deep sigh. He could see her alarmed expression and wished he would have lied.

"Oh." Leandra sucked in her breath and exited the bathroom in silence. 

~*~

Hawke dressed cursing himself, knowing exactly what he would meet outside the bathroom door, unless Leandra had gone to bed with a headache. And right enough she sat in the chair and stared into the flames of the fireplace. "I'm sorry mother, I could have told you before, it's just that I knew you would react like this.. And I hate to see you upset, you know that." He sat down at her feet and stared into the flames too, like he had done when he was a small child, back in their home in Lothering the kids had been seated at her feet as she would tell stories from Kirkwall.

Leandra rested her hand on his head and buried her fingers in Hawke's wet hair. "Did Carver know?" she just asked.

"No." Hawke said, and then smiled a little sadly to him self, "Yeah I think he knew, but I never told him." He rested his head against the armrest of the chair, "Are you still very upset with me?" 

"Yes." Leandra said stiffly, "You're the last one left to carry on the bloodline, and you won't take a wife." 

"Mother.. don't think like that." Hawke said with a sad tone. "I could take a wife it would make you happy." 

"It would." Leandra admitted, "But it wouldn't if it made you miserable, I want my last remaining child to be happy." 

"I love you mother." Hawke mumbled smiling at the flames.

"Are you sure?" Leandra asked softly.

"About this one? or in general?" Hawke asked turning around so he could look at his mother in the warm light. 

"Both I suppose." Leandra sighed, looking down at her son at her feet.

"I'm sure." Hawke couldn't help but to blush, and rose to his feet hoping he would not have to elaborate the rest of Leandra's very personal inquiry. 

"Will I meet this friend of yours soon?" Leandra asked, "It would be the proper thing to do.." 

Hawke had to catch himself from saying 'but you already met him'. But if he had to be honest with himself, it was not a date, it was just Fenris that had agreed to share dinner with him, and him acting like a lovesick girlchild. "Maybe." He said with a slight cringe, "How many times did you see father before you brought him home?" 

Leandra laughed softly, "I only brought him home once, and my parents hated him." 

"I rest my case." Hawke chuckled. 

"It's not the same." Leandra argued.

"It sort of is." Hawke sighed, "Apart from that this whole discussion is pointless, I don't know if we'll ever.." 

"Trinkets." Leandra said, "Ladies love trinkets." 

"Well Fe- Uhm, he is hardly a lady." Hawke said catching his own slip up and looked at his mother with his best pokerface.

Leandra looked thoughtful, "All men love food." 

"Are you seriously suggesting I bring him food?" Hawke killed a laugh before it left his lips.

Leandra stood from her chair, "Why not?" 

"Because... " Hawke whined again, "That would just be weird." 

"More weird than two men dining in the moonlight?" Leandra shot back.

"Yes." Hawke argued, and then sighed. "I shouldn't have told you, and not like this."

"Even if I don't understand, or condone," Leandra said with a slightly smile at her son. "I appreciate your honesty." 

~*~

As Hawke left their estate he was clutching a bag of oat cookies that Leandra had made him bring, because as she said at least it should be a decent man, and all decent men liked cookies'. Hawke could have chosen to have a fight over it, but he just took the blighted cookies and left. 

Knocking on Fenris' door he felt nervous like nothing else. And had to keep reminding himself that it was not a real date, it was just Fenris that had agreed to dinner, nothing more. No matter how much he wanted it to be. 

Fenris opened the door and smiled at Hawke standing out in the vague light of dusk. "I was beginning to think that you wouldn't come." He said.

"My mother she.." He held out the cookies between them. "Wanted me to give you these." 

Fenris took the bag and opened it, studying the cookies. "They look good." He looked up at Hawke, "Your mother asked you to bring me these?" 

"Yeah." Hawke squirmed.

Testing one cookie, Fenris bit off a corner. "Mmm they're good." 

Hawke was above relieved, not only had it not turned out as awkward as it could have, but Fenris actually seemed to like his mothers cookies. "I know." He grinned.

Fenris placed the bag inside, and stepped out into the early night with Hawke. "So what did you have in mind?" 

"There is this place that has a.." He started to walk so he wouldn't have to stand face to face with Fenris, "Really nice view over the harbor." 

"Alright." Fenris said following Hawke through the streets. "Are you sure they will serve elves there?" 

Hawke stopped dead in his steps, turning to look at Fenris. "You are with the Champion of Kirkwood, so of course they will serve you." 

Fenris nodded. "If you say so." 

~*~

They were seated with a brilliant view of the ships coming in and out of Kirkwall, they looked like little fireflies with lanterns in front and back. "I haven't been anywhere this nice before." Fenris said looking around with eyes large of awe.

"Me neither." Hawke laughed. "There is a serious lack of four starred dining in Lothering." 

"Farm land?" Fenris asked. 

"I would hardly go as far as to call it farm land anymore, I suppose it's just a burned down dirt pile." Hawke shrugged, "But yes it was farm land when.. before the blight."

Plates were discretely placed in front of them, Fenris poked his with a fork. "This looks really expensive." He said wondering, and then looked up at Hawke, "Why would you spend this much silver on me? We are not even friends." 

Hawke felt his heart skip a beat at that remark, but his smile only faltered slightly. "Yet." He said digging into his food.

Fenris eyed him, "I lied when I said I have never seen anything this nice, I just never dined there. Danarius would entertain guests at places ten times as posh as this." 

"Oh." Hawke realised his mistake and put down his fork. "Would you rather we had had dinner somewhere else?" 

Fenris shook his head, "I don't want to come off as ungrateful." 

Hawke sighed, "I understand." 

"No you don't." Fenris said, "I was made to stand in the corner, so hungry my stomach would hurt, but yet I was made to watch the magisters eat and toss scraps to dogs. The dogs got food, I didn't." 

Hawke stayed silent and felt like the worlds biggest idiot that he had triggered this conversation, just because he wanted to take Fenris somewhere neat. Anyone else would appreciate some luxury, but not Fenris, he was bent on punishing himself somehow.

"Danarius, he.." 

"Well I'm pretty sure Danarius didn't buy you dinner, because he appreciated your effort and companionship." Hawke stated bitterly, he didn't mean to come off as crass, but he was trying to do something nice for Fenris if he would just let him.

"True." Fenris sighed looking away from Hawke. "I do appreciate your gesture." 

"I just can't win, can I?" Hawke mumbled, "Is the food is good at least?"

"Divine." Fenris admitted. "Thank you Hawke." 

"You're welcome." Hawke said with a quick little smile. 

They ate in awkward silence, "I ruined the mood, didn't I?" Fenris finally asked.

"No, no, not at all." Hawke lied. "You want dessert?" 

"I'm full." Fenris said, and then their conversation came to a grinding halt. 

~*~

Hawke walked Fenris home like a perfect gentleman, but as he stood outside Fenris' door again he wished he hadn't. "I'm sorry, this was a terrible idea." He mumbled, "I just wanted to get to know you better, because no matter what you might think of me, I -am- actually trying to be your friend." 

Fenris let out a breath he had been holding, "I know Hawke.. It's just, I don't even think I know -how- to be someone's friend." 

"Sure you do." Hawke said with a little sad smile, "You trusted Carver." 

"Maybe." Fenris said looking thoughtful, "I know you aren't going to harm me, but you are a mage Hawke, and..." 

"Technically I'm still an apostate." Hawke said with a little grin. 

"I fail to see the difference, it's still magic." Fenris huffed.

Hawke sighed deeply, maybe a truce was as good as it got? He studied Fenris in the moonlight, Maker what he wouldn't give to kiss those pouting lips, knowing fully that it would never happen. But a man can dream, can't he? "Next time you buy." Hawke grinned to kill the awkward mood.

Fenris studied Hawke intensely, and to Hawke's surprise the elf smiled softly. "Fair enough." He said, "Next week, same time, and I will come pick you up." 

Hawke couldn't have been more surprised if he tried. "That- that is a date.. err deal." He said, wishing he had more control over the shit that sometimes spilled from his lips. 

"Great." Fenris said looking absolutely devious. 

"Great." Hawke repeated like a fool.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by Lisbet - Cheers sweetness!

To Hawke, it had been the longest week in the history of man. And to top it off, Fenris looked completely unfazed by it all; he acted like he always did. Hawke had noted that Fenris would turn his head and check up on where he was, and when he saw Hawke, he would smile. Or what was a smile when it came to Fenris. It looked mostly like a little tick in the corner of his mouth, but his eyes got all warm and friendly. Funny, really, Hawke thought to himself, that Fenris would smile with his eyes, but not really move a muscle in his face. 

Hawke made the mistake of looking over at Isabela, who laughed when he blushed weakly, knowing he was caught staring and smiling like a loon. And just at that very moment, Fenris decided to make it worse. Maybe it was on purpose, maybe he was completely ignorant, Hawke didn't know. But the elf turned around and faced Hawke directly. "Tonight," he said, ignoring Varric and Isabela who just stood and stared, or waited for whatever stellar garbage was sure to come from Hawke. 

"Yeah?" Hawke said, trying to look indifferent to their onlookers.

"Would you prefer that I pick you up?" Fenris asked, shifting a little on his feet, which was all that gave away that he was uncomfortable.

"Oh... uhm..." Hawke gaped, "You chose." 

Fenris raised a brow. "I will pick you up, then." He did that little shy smile again, still shuffling his feet. Hawke figured that he -really- didn't want to have this conversation here. 

"All right," Hawke said, nodding. He saw Fenris shoot giggling Isabela a death glare as he left toward the exit of Lowtown. 

"Smooth, kiddo," Varric laughed once Fenris was gone. He hit Hawke lightly on his shoulder in a friendly way. "We'll make a suave young man out of you, yet." 

"Wait! Wait!" Isabela cut in. "You two on a date? You. two. on. a. date?" She laughed till she cried, and then she pinched Hawke's cheek, who growled in response. "That is just priceless!" 

"Why that?" Hawke argued in a childish tone and crossed his arms.

"Because…" Isabela gestured up and down at Hawke. "It's obvious, innit?" 

"Not really, no," Hawke huffed.

"What she means," Varric cut in.

"What she means," Isabela repeated, "is -- what in the Maker's name does Fenris see in you? Do you have something impressive tucked away under those rags of yours that we haven't heard of?" 

Hawke’s cheeks burned, much to his own annoyance. "I hate you both," he said, lacking any real conviction. "Go back to your cards and drink." 

"Will do," Varric said, and grinned at Isabela.

"Oh, Varric!" She fanned herself dramatically. "Don't you -dare- look at me that way. I am a respectable woman!" 

"I would -never- do that to you, Miss Isabela," Varric feigned shock. "I have standards!" 

"Yeah like what? A pulse?" Hawke growled, annoyed, as he pushed Varric out of the way, so he could get on his way home. 

"Something like that," Varric laughed. 

"Hey, Hawke!" Isabela yelled after Hawke's back as he attempted to escape them. "Don't shoot your load before you get your pants off!" 

"Shut up!" Hawke muttered to himself, much too low for Isabela to hear, and a good thing, too, as Hawke’s ears were burning with embarrassment. Damn Fenris that he hadn't waited just two more minutes until Varric and Isabela were inside the Hanged Man. 

~*~

"Mother?" Hawke called as he came back home. He heard an answer from the living room, where he found his mother in a chair, reading a book. "Ah, Garrett," she smiled.

Hawke scratched his head. "Uhm, who did you expect?" 

"You're right," Leandra said with a silent sigh. 

Hawke left her side and went toward the stairs to his room. He turned on the bottom step and looked over at her. "Mother? If that white-haired elf knocks at the door, would you tell him I will be right down?" 

Leandra didn't even look up at her son, but nodded ever so slightly. 

"Great." Hawke nodded to himself and walked upstairs to change. He had been so happy when he had been able to buy this house for his mother. He had hoped that to restore her childhood home to her would bring a smile to her face, but it didn't. He undid his jerkin and carefully placed it in the corner, and pulled off his filthy shirt under it. Sometimes he couldn't help but think that she would have been happier if it had been Carver who was here, and he who had met his destiny in the Deep Roads. She had lost everything, hadn't she? All hope for her bloodline? She had lost father, Bethany and Carver. All she had left was him. And he was a piss poor substitute, champion or not. If he had to be honest to himself, he was more than a little heartbroken that no matter what he did, it never seemed to make her smile, or even admit that she was proud of him. Who would have thought? After all, it wasn’t every day that a farmer’s son from Ferelden became the most important man in Kirkwall. Apparently that went over Leandra's head, though. And it didn't make it better that he, in the most awkward of ways, had indulged her in the whole 'no grandkids' thing. Hawke pulled a clean shirt over his head and sighed in bliss. It was good to be back home, no matter what. Now he looked forward to a good meal, and a good night’s sleep. And of course Fenris. He just hoped that he wouldn’t ruin everything, the way he had with the dinner last week, and that he wouldn't blush like an idiot all the time, mostly because of Varric and Isabela. 

He couldn't prolong it anymore once he had freshened up, and finally walked back downstairs to where his mother still sat in the chair like a statue. She looked up from her book and at Hawke. "So is it at least the same man as you went on a date with last time?" she asked.

"Yeah," Hawke admitted, squirming slightly, not really comfortable with discussing things like this with his mother. He walked through the half light of the living room, and pulled a stool over and sat next to his mother and stared at the flames in the fireplace. He didn't know what else to say, so he just sat by her in silence.

"Did he like my cookies? You never did tell me." 

Hawke smiled. "He loved them." He gingerly placed his larger hand on top of Leandra's. 

"Good." Leandra nodded. She paused and then quickly shot Hawke a look. "You certainly are tightlipped about it, could it be because you -” 

"No, mother," Hawke said, cutting her off. "I’m tightlipped because it's private, and because it makes you uneasy. I don't want to upset you." 

"There are some fine young ladies of nobility who have noticed you, son." Leandra said, placing her other hand on top of Hawke's. "Would it kill you to try?" 

"Maker! Mother, honestly," Hawke whined. 

"For me?" Leandra looked at her son with sad eyes. 

Hawke pulled his hand back, and stared into the flames, not answering her. He didn't know what to say. One thing was angry Leandra, but this! How could he turn her down? And on the other hand, how could he not?

"To think that I will never hear the patter of little feet across the floor here," Leandra whispered. "I used to imagine that you and your siblings would grow up here, but life wanted it differently. And with Carver and Bethany gone... there is only you left. And you won't even grant me that one wish." 

"Mother," Hawke sighed, but when he heard his mother sniffle, he cringed. "All right, you win, mother," he mumbled. "Maybe I could be happy like that; I don't know." 

"Of course you could, son. Marriage is not so bad. Even your father grew to love it." She laughed a little at a memory that she didn't indulge Hawke in. Her gaze grew steel hard again. "You just have to set your mind to it, my son." 

Hawke was about to say something when he heard a knock at the door. Bodahn and Sandal had retired some time ago, so Hawke got up to get it. "I have to go. Will you be all right, Mother?" he asked as he stood.

"You are still going out with that man?" Leandra asked, surprised.

"Yes, I am." Hawke said, "I can't very well decline his invitation now." 

Leandra's lips were a fine line, but she nodded. 

"Besides, it's not like it's a -real- date, it's more like friends having dinner," Hawke said over his shoulder as he opened the door. "Fenris," he said, and desperately wished that the beginning heat in his cheeks would go away. "You look different." He looked up and down his friend, dressed in a long black coat and what seemed to be a white shirt. Hawke had never seen him out of his armor.

Fenris smiled weakly. "Thanks." 

Leandra came up behind Hawke. Fenris bowed slightly. "Oh, Mrs. Hawke, I didn't know you were still in." 

"Mother, this is Fenris. Fenris, Mother," Hawke said, watching as they shook hands awkwardly. 

"I hear you liked my cookies," Leandra said.

"I did, they were delightful," Fenris agreed. "Thank you." 

"Great!" Hawke ushered Fenris out the door, and waved at Leandra. "See you later, mother." 

"Yes, son. Don't forget." 

"I won’t," Hawke mumbled and walked away with Fenris in the dark.

~*~

"She doesn't care for elves, does she?" Fenris asked casually as they walked across the little square. 

"It's not as much elves, as the fact that you are male," Hawke said, inwardly kicking himself for saying that, but now that it was out, he supposed he couldn't just make Fenris forget that he ever said it. Not without magic, at least. 

"She doesn't like males?" Fenris asked surprised, and then just laughed a little. Fenris' chuckle stopped and he turned to look at Hawke seriously. "Or just those males who pick up her son for dinner?" 

"A little of both, I suppose," Hawke said. So what was a little lie between friends? 

Fenris shook his head, amused. And Hawke couldn't help but feel a little defeated. 

"She wants me to marry some noble woman, - any noble woman, really," Hawke suddenly blurted out, not sure why he felt like telling Fenris this. "It's something about grandchildren and bloodlines..." Hawke pocketed his hands for lack of other stuff to do, as they walked along.

"I see," Fenris said softly.

"You do? Cause I don't," Hawke whined.

"Come now, Hawke, you cannot be that blind," Fenris said, stopping dead and turning to look at Hawke in the semi-dark of the market of Lowtown. "You are her last remaining child; of course she wants to see you carry on the family name." Fenris blinked, indifferent to Hawke's misery. "She's a noble, so of course she would put her social status and family name above all else." 

Hawke raised a brow, not sure if Fenris had just insulted his mother or not. "S'pose." He mumbled, which sounded dumb even to his own ears.

"Food always makes you feel better," Fenris said, turning around sharply, and starting to walk again. 

"It does," Hawke grinned. 

When Fenris stopped, Hawke looked up, not noticing where he had been going. He had just followed Fenris' feet. "Are you serious?" Hawke huffed as he stared up at the huge wooden hanging man that hung outside the dump of the same name. "You're taking me to eat at the Hanged Man?" 

"I am." 

"But why? Haven't you been around Kirkwall long enough to know there are other places?" Hawke was stumped, and he knew that if he went in there with Fenris, then he would either never hear the end of it, or their date would fizz out in playing cards with their friends or whoever was there. Lose, lose scenario. 

Fenris crossed his arms over his chest and looked annoyed. "I happen to cherish food amongst friends." His lips twitched almost unnoticeably, "Without someone to share it with, food is just nourishment." 

Hawke was surprised by the sudden profoundness from Fenris, and even if every fibre of him didn't want to go in, he still followed Fenris inside. Once inside, it was like any other night, people would greet them both, and Fenris would go to the bar to get a beer, while Isabela went to get him a chair so he could join the card game they had going. Hawke just sat down and smiled at Varric, whose face split in an amused wolf grin. Hawke was more than surprised when someone held a beer in his face. He looked up to find Fenris holding a mug out to him. "Thank you," Hawke mumbled with a smile, and noted that Fenris had not gotten a round of beers; he had only gotten one for Hawke and for himself. 

"You looked like you needed it," Fenris said, walking around the table to sit and join the card game. 

Hawke sat and looked at the card game, but didn't join. He never really cared much for gambling, it was more like a drunken hobby than anything. Maybe this was Fenris' way of showing him his place? That he might have felt that Hawke -might- have put a little more in their first date than just expensive food. And what better way to kill an unwanted growing crush, without offending the person, than to gently and politely show them what they meant to you. And that was just what Fenris was doing. There was no Hawke and Fenris; there was the gang, which Hawke was lucky enough to still be a part of. Hawke put down his empty mug and leaned back in his chair. And that was okay, wasn't it? He could live with this, being surrounded by friends, whom he knew were loyal to the bone. All right, so mostly loyal at least, but he wasn't one to look a gift-horse in the mouth. 

Isabela folded her cards and tossed them on the table. "Bastards," she said without any heat, and stood up to go to the bar. "You want one too, Hawke?" she asked, looking down on Hawke, who was completely mesmerised by the card game as a whole.

"Sure," Hawke said, getting up following Isabela to the bar. 

Five minutes later they both sat with a mug of ale in the bar. Isabela leaned in and studied Hawke. "Are you okay? You seem tired or something." 

"It's been a long week," Hawke offered. 

"And what's with the hot date? I somehow thought it meant going -" 

"Just don't." Hawke held up his hand to stop Isabela's words. He smiled to save the situation. "It's not my fault you thought we were getting down and dirty." 

Isabela rolled her eyes. "With the blush you sported, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who thought that." 

Hawke ignored her and held out his mug for the barkeep. "Fill it up," he said. He didn't look at Isabela, or answer her in any way. When he got his mug, he just eased back on the barstool and looked out over the Hanged Man and her patrons. "Slow night, huh?" he said with a little characteristic Hawke smile.

Isabela might not have been the queen of good manners, but she could see the bitter acceptance on Hawke's face, as if it were a mask he tried to hide. It was in complete contrast to his words, small talk about patrons, beer, and the weather. She just listened and mumbled some replies. She couldn't even find it in her heart to make fun of him. That would be like kicking a man when he was down. 

Hawke was very drunk when he finally called it a night. He just left his mug on the counter and leaned clumsily in over Isabela. "Bedtime," he slurred, and stood up, easing his way through the mostly empty chairs of the tavern. 

Isabela watched him struggling to exit with some of his dignity intact, even if he was practically falling down drunk. As soon as the door closed behind him, she looked over at Fenris, who looked up from his card game and at the empty chair where Hawke had been sitting. "Fenris!" she yelled loudly, drowning out all the talk and laughter. He looked straight at her, and she nodded toward the door. Fenris folded his cards and excused himself. He glared at Isabela as he left, but he left none the less. 

Fenris didn't have to look far to find Hawke. He had not made it up the stairs to the market place yet. He was mumbling to himself as he slowly slid against the wall, not able to stand on his own. "Hawke." Fenris said softly, wrapping an arm around Hawke's waist, and draping Hawke's closest arm around his neck, pulling the Champion to the feet. "I think you need a hand." 

"No I don't," Hawke slurred. "I can take out whatever," he burped, "comes at me." He leered drunkenly and shot a fireball at the stairs. 

"Maker!" Fenris recoiled as much as his hold on Fenris would let him. "Don't ever do that again!" he scolded, shaking Hawke a little, but not too much. 

"Why?" Hawke looked honestly surprised that Fenris didn't appreciate his little party trick. His smile fell and then he nodded grimly, mostly to himself. "Ah yes, the magic-phobia thing..." 

"Don't be ridiculous," Fenris scoffed as he half-pulled, half-carried Hawke over the market place of Lowtown. Never had it seemed this long a walk to the Hawke estate! "You could have set us both on fire, you idiot." 

"There's that, too," Hawke mumbled, and then chuckled. "Hey, Fenris?" Hawke looked up at Fenris with a grin and a faint blush. "I think you're super. I really do. As in I really, really think you are..." he smacked his lips, "super." 

"Hawke…" Fenris sighed, annoyed.

"I really like you, you know. And..." Hawke was silent for a little while, and then he surprised Fenris by grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him close, so that they almost tumbled down. "I really want to kiss you." 

Fenris' eyes widened. He could feel Hawke's hot breath against his cheek, and the Champion felt warm and soft against him. That was all wrong, all wrong! "No!" he growled and pried Hawke off, starting to walk again, pulling a confused Hawke along behind him.

Hawke could feel the disappointment rise in his chest. "Oh... sorry. I just thought that maybe you - " For once he chose his words carefully. "Were thinking the same as me." 

"Well, I'm not," Fenris huffed, praying to the Maker that they'd be at the Hawke Estate soon.

"Oh…" Hawke literally went limp, and Fenris had to let him sit down on the stairs leading to the Hightown market. "I'm such an idiot... I thought that maybe all the looks and smiles..." He wrapped one arm around his knees, and the other around the back of his head, his forehead resting in his knees. Fenris thought it made him look like a little kid who was hiding from something that scared him. 

"I am the one who should apologize, not you," Fenris said softly, feeling the lie on his lips. But this was just better; this was how it was supposed to be. No need to complicate things. "I didn't mean to..." He trailed off, and then took a deep breath, listening to Hawke breathe in small panicky breaths, down into the fabric of his sleeve. "I promise I didn't mean to lead you on in any way." 

"It's fine," Hawke said, deflated and bitter. "Isabela was right," he mumbled to himself, as he struggled to get to his feet again, ignoring Fenris’ outstretched helping hands. 

"What did she say?" Fenris asked, slightly curious as to why he would have told this to someone like her.

Hawke turned around on the stairs and looked down at Fenris, who still stood a couple of steps below. "That you'd have to be crazy to find me attractive." He shrugged. "It's all right, I don't blame you. I had just hoped -" He fisted his hands and swayed, sobering a little by this whole conversation. "I had just hoped it was different. But it's not. So..." He shook his head, and turned around, walking up the stairs on stiff uncooperative legs, but holding up on his own.

Fenris swallowed the emotional lump in his throat and walked after Hawke. "Everything will look better tomorrow, don't worry." He walked slowly next to Hawke, making sure he didn't fall face first as they crossed the Hightown market. 

"Not really, no." Hawke whispered, not looking at Fenris. "Tomorrow I will wake, knowing that -" He shook his head again. "No, let's just not talk about it." 

"Okay," Fenris said, reaching out to help Hawke up the last stairs, only to have his hand swatted away angrily. He walked Hawke to his front door, and then politely melted back into the shadows, and made his way toward his own home.

Hawke closed the door and stumbled into his hall. He was drunk and angry with himself for being such a blundering fool. Of course Fenris didn't like him -that- way, whatever had possessed him to even think that? Sure he had looked at him with those expressional eyes, smiling, but honestly so did Merrill, and well... He stepped into the front room to find Bodahn, Sandal and Gamlen there.

"Le-an-drah..." Gamlen spelled out with poorly hidden frustration. Gamlen turned to Hawke. "Oh, there you are, boy! Have you seen your mother?" 

"What?" Hawke blinked, confused, "She's not home?" 

-tbc


End file.
